Foodie Penpals Reveal Day – June

Today is the day I get to reveal the wonderful gift box I received from my foodie penpal this month.  Lindsay from The Lean Green Bean hosts this awesome foodie penpal exchange each month.  I know there are tons and tons of participants and she puts a lot of work into organizing it.  It is so fun to participate in!

This month I was paired up with a reader, Marissa.  Marissa is from Santa Cruz, California and is in her senior year of college pursuing a degree in Food and Nutritional Science.

Marissa really sent me some fabulous things!

My favorite has to be the two homemade treats she sent!  A delicious cookie and the most fabulous rice crispy treat! It had peanut butter under that chocolate topping. Yum!

I am packing this little “vacation in a cup” for our camping trip.  It should be the perfect healthy breakfast to help keep me on track during vacation and I cannot wait to try it!

Marissa also sent me this tasty cookie butter and some salty pita chips to eat with it.  The combination of the sweet and salty is was delicious!

This little healthy mix is also going to come in handy with my goal of staying on track during camping.  We usually eat like crap when camping and I have been doing so good lately and I want to keep up the good work!

It is always so nice to get a present in the mail! It feels like my birthday!  Trying all of these new things is so much fun.  Thank you so much Marissa!!!

Well, off to finish up some laundry and then to bed.  Working half day at the bank tomorrow morning and then seeing how I am going to fit all of our camping gear in the Trail Blazer.  Can’t wait….I hope it’s really hot too so I can be sweaty while doing the packing……ugh!  We need a camper!!!!

Check out what I sent to my foodie penpal Olivia over at Liv to Eat!

Advertisements

Always a struggle

I have been on a journey toward self-awareness for about the last year and a half or so.  I have been spending time with myself – – dating myself you might say.  Figuring out what makes me me and being completely comfortable with who I am.  A huge part of this journey is my negative relationship with food.

I may have briefly mentioned in previous posts my struggles with food.  I feel like I am always on a roller coaster (I hate roller coasters) when it comes to my relationship with food.  From as far back as I can remember I could always eat anything I wanted and not gain a pound.  I never worried about a balanced diet or exercising.  I didn’t think I needed to because I never gained weight.  The second I turned 30, that changed drastically.

I was married from ages 23 to 28 and I was at a healthy weight during that entire time.  I had maybe 5 to 10 vanity pounds I wanted to lose, but nothing major.  Even after I had Hailey I bounced back relatively quickly without any type of extreme diet or exercise.  I was still able to eat whatever I wanted and not exercise regularly.

I went through my divorce when I was 29.  I was dealing with a ton of stress and lost a bunch of weight.  My weight was what I was at before I had Hailey.  I felt like crap because I was eating tons junk food and was under a lot of stress.  Even though I felt awful inside, I liked how I looked on the outside.  Now I am 34 and I weigh as much as I did when I was 9 months pregnant with my daughter.  While I am feeling better on the inside (most days) I hate how I look on the outside.

Here is where the struggle is.  I know what I should do to be healthy.  I know the proper foods I should be eating, I know the foods I should not be eating.  I know I should be exercising.  Should, should, should.   An excellent counselor told me once to stop “shoulding” on myself.  Wise woman.  Why can’t I stop though?

My biggest concern is teaching Hailey about nutrition, being healthy, and making balanced choices regarding food.  I don’t want her to struggle with food and have a love/hate relationship with it the way I do.  My other concern is my own health.  I feel so unhealthy right now.  I want to feel good on the inside and on the outside.  I want my lifestyle to change where if I have a bad day or two I don’t completely collapse into a dark abyss of overeating.

That’s my vicious cycle.  I eat healthy for a while, I feel good, I have energy, I even exercise.  Then something happens – – usually stress and it knocks me right on my ass.  I shut down emotionally and ignore what I truly want which is to be healthy.  I become lazy and allow myself to eat junk.  I fill myself with nutritionally void food which makes me feel even worse and I sink into a depression that feels like quicksand.

Eventually I always pull myself out a little.  Occasionally I can keep myself going for a few months on a healthy cycle.  But always, always I fall.  Each time I fall harder.  I eat worse than the last time, I gain back even more weight, and I feel even more guilty.

Part of the reason I started this blog was to record what I am feeling, the thoughts I am having, what I am doing, and what I am eating with the hopes of being able to control this constant struggle.  My goal is to be able to change my life forever.  I want my norm to be eating clean and healthy on a daily basis without even thinking.  I want to lose 40 pounds and live a healthy lifestyle forever.  I want to eat whole foods that are minimally processed so that my body has fuel to work at its very best.  I want my day to consist of eating tons of fruits and veggies.  I want to be able to go out once in a while for ice cream or pizza.  I want to live this way so I can feel better and be an awesome role model for the most important person in my life – my daughter Hailey.

So, that’s some of my story, where I am, and what I am working toward.  Always a struggle for me, but I need to remember to take it one day at a time.  I also need to remember that every little step that I make toward my healthy goals counts.  And I need to quit being so damn hard on myself.