What I Ate Wednesday

Hailey is up north again this week with her dad on vacation so I am really trying hard to take care of myself.  When she is gone I tend to get sad, sit around, feel icky and lethargic.  Since I have been feeling better I decided to really focus on the food I am putting into my body.  Just taking it day by day.  What better than to do another WIAW post!

Peas and Crayons

Lately I have been eating this every morning for breakfast.

vanilla granola with almond butter

Ever since Rachel sent me some awesome french vanilla granola in my foodie penpals package I have been obsessed!  I found some at my local grocery store that is pretty tasty.  I also tried almond butter and am in love big time.  I have been having the granola with a dollop of almond butter every morning.  Yummy!

I love this time of year when all the fruit is delicious and in season.  I have been making sure to eat a lot of it.

strawberries and a plum

Lunch was organic scrambled eggs with salsa and Fontina cheese that was leftover from fondu night.

Another snack I enjoyed were these whole wheat banana chocolate chip muffins.  I threw some in the freezer last time I made a batch so they were ready for me when I needed something to grab quick.

whole wheat banana chocolate chip muffins

Since I have been filling my body with actual food for the last few days I have more energy.  I feel happier inside even though I miss my daughter like crazy.  I am also feeling ready to start exercising.  I think I will just start out walking – ease into it so I don’t get discouraged and quit.  I tend to have an all or nothing attitude so I know starting small is important.

Dinner was also pulled out of the freezer.  I love freezing leftovers when I have the time to cook.  Turkey meatballs that I made from scratch with spaghetti sauce and quinoa.

turkey meatballs from scratch

A friend told me about the pasta version of quinoa.  I have never bought regular spaghetti pasta again.  It is healthier, tastes great, and Hailey also loves it.  Score!

So, that’s WIAW!  I just want to end this post by saying “Good job, Jaime! Keep up the healthy choices – – I know you can do it.”

Always a struggle

I have been on a journey toward self-awareness for about the last year and a half or so.  I have been spending time with myself – – dating myself you might say.  Figuring out what makes me me and being completely comfortable with who I am.  A huge part of this journey is my negative relationship with food.

I may have briefly mentioned in previous posts my struggles with food.  I feel like I am always on a roller coaster (I hate roller coasters) when it comes to my relationship with food.  From as far back as I can remember I could always eat anything I wanted and not gain a pound.  I never worried about a balanced diet or exercising.  I didn’t think I needed to because I never gained weight.  The second I turned 30, that changed drastically.

I was married from ages 23 to 28 and I was at a healthy weight during that entire time.  I had maybe 5 to 10 vanity pounds I wanted to lose, but nothing major.  Even after I had Hailey I bounced back relatively quickly without any type of extreme diet or exercise.  I was still able to eat whatever I wanted and not exercise regularly.

I went through my divorce when I was 29.  I was dealing with a ton of stress and lost a bunch of weight.  My weight was what I was at before I had Hailey.  I felt like crap because I was eating tons junk food and was under a lot of stress.  Even though I felt awful inside, I liked how I looked on the outside.  Now I am 34 and I weigh as much as I did when I was 9 months pregnant with my daughter.  While I am feeling better on the inside (most days) I hate how I look on the outside.

Here is where the struggle is.  I know what I should do to be healthy.  I know the proper foods I should be eating, I know the foods I should not be eating.  I know I should be exercising.  Should, should, should.   An excellent counselor told me once to stop “shoulding” on myself.  Wise woman.  Why can’t I stop though?

My biggest concern is teaching Hailey about nutrition, being healthy, and making balanced choices regarding food.  I don’t want her to struggle with food and have a love/hate relationship with it the way I do.  My other concern is my own health.  I feel so unhealthy right now.  I want to feel good on the inside and on the outside.  I want my lifestyle to change where if I have a bad day or two I don’t completely collapse into a dark abyss of overeating.

That’s my vicious cycle.  I eat healthy for a while, I feel good, I have energy, I even exercise.  Then something happens – – usually stress and it knocks me right on my ass.  I shut down emotionally and ignore what I truly want which is to be healthy.  I become lazy and allow myself to eat junk.  I fill myself with nutritionally void food which makes me feel even worse and I sink into a depression that feels like quicksand.

Eventually I always pull myself out a little.  Occasionally I can keep myself going for a few months on a healthy cycle.  But always, always I fall.  Each time I fall harder.  I eat worse than the last time, I gain back even more weight, and I feel even more guilty.

Part of the reason I started this blog was to record what I am feeling, the thoughts I am having, what I am doing, and what I am eating with the hopes of being able to control this constant struggle.  My goal is to be able to change my life forever.  I want my norm to be eating clean and healthy on a daily basis without even thinking.  I want to lose 40 pounds and live a healthy lifestyle forever.  I want to eat whole foods that are minimally processed so that my body has fuel to work at its very best.  I want my day to consist of eating tons of fruits and veggies.  I want to be able to go out once in a while for ice cream or pizza.  I want to live this way so I can feel better and be an awesome role model for the most important person in my life – my daughter Hailey.

So, that’s some of my story, where I am, and what I am working toward.  Always a struggle for me, but I need to remember to take it one day at a time.  I also need to remember that every little step that I make toward my healthy goals counts.  And I need to quit being so damn hard on myself.