What I’ve been up to while Hailey is gone

I have been working a lot of extra hours at my part time job lately.  This weekend will be the third weekend in a row of working there plus every day at the bank all day all week long.  I am starting to feel pooped out.  But, next week Hailey, Jackson, and I are going camping with the rest of the fam so a little r and r is right around the corner.

Last week I headed to my friend Jackielyn’s tattoo studio, Eye-Candy Ink to get some of my tattoos touched up.

Her shop is not your typical tattoo shop.  It is an art gallery, a pottery gallery, and a tattoo shop all in one.  The decor is retro, classy, and comfortable.  Plus Jackie is a friend of mine so that makes the experience even better!

Jackielyn

waiting area

She touched up the stars on my ankle, plus added a few more.

And she touched up the orchid on my floral sidepiece.

I also had the opportunity to reconnect with some girlfriends I hadn’t seen for about a year and a half.  I met them all through a previous relationship and when that ended so did all of the friendships unfortunately.  I mett up with the girls and we had so much fun!  I really am hoping to stay in touch with them all.  I missed them so much!

Carrie, Deanna, Me, and Dewey (Kerri)

I have been doing some healthy meal and snack planning for camping next week.  For probably the first time ever my sister, my mom, and I are all eating healthy at the same time!  We all struggle with the ups and downs of the food rollar coaster and it seems that we are never all on the up side together.  Right now we are, so I want to make sure to plan some healthy real food meals and real food snacks.

I had a few hours off of work this afternoon since I worked last Saturday so I took advantage of the free time and went to a new to me health store that a friend told me about called The Red Raddish.

It was very cute and quaint!  They really didn’t have too much more to offer than what I am able to purchase in the organic section of my grocery store, plus it was kind of a drive.

All in all I have been doing good distracting myself and keeping busy while Hailey is gone.  Only 4 more days to go till she comes home!! I know she is having a blast, but I miss her!

Always a struggle

I have been on a journey toward self-awareness for about the last year and a half or so.  I have been spending time with myself – – dating myself you might say.  Figuring out what makes me me and being completely comfortable with who I am.  A huge part of this journey is my negative relationship with food.

I may have briefly mentioned in previous posts my struggles with food.  I feel like I am always on a roller coaster (I hate roller coasters) when it comes to my relationship with food.  From as far back as I can remember I could always eat anything I wanted and not gain a pound.  I never worried about a balanced diet or exercising.  I didn’t think I needed to because I never gained weight.  The second I turned 30, that changed drastically.

I was married from ages 23 to 28 and I was at a healthy weight during that entire time.  I had maybe 5 to 10 vanity pounds I wanted to lose, but nothing major.  Even after I had Hailey I bounced back relatively quickly without any type of extreme diet or exercise.  I was still able to eat whatever I wanted and not exercise regularly.

I went through my divorce when I was 29.  I was dealing with a ton of stress and lost a bunch of weight.  My weight was what I was at before I had Hailey.  I felt like crap because I was eating tons junk food and was under a lot of stress.  Even though I felt awful inside, I liked how I looked on the outside.  Now I am 34 and I weigh as much as I did when I was 9 months pregnant with my daughter.  While I am feeling better on the inside (most days) I hate how I look on the outside.

Here is where the struggle is.  I know what I should do to be healthy.  I know the proper foods I should be eating, I know the foods I should not be eating.  I know I should be exercising.  Should, should, should.   An excellent counselor told me once to stop “shoulding” on myself.  Wise woman.  Why can’t I stop though?

My biggest concern is teaching Hailey about nutrition, being healthy, and making balanced choices regarding food.  I don’t want her to struggle with food and have a love/hate relationship with it the way I do.  My other concern is my own health.  I feel so unhealthy right now.  I want to feel good on the inside and on the outside.  I want my lifestyle to change where if I have a bad day or two I don’t completely collapse into a dark abyss of overeating.

That’s my vicious cycle.  I eat healthy for a while, I feel good, I have energy, I even exercise.  Then something happens – – usually stress and it knocks me right on my ass.  I shut down emotionally and ignore what I truly want which is to be healthy.  I become lazy and allow myself to eat junk.  I fill myself with nutritionally void food which makes me feel even worse and I sink into a depression that feels like quicksand.

Eventually I always pull myself out a little.  Occasionally I can keep myself going for a few months on a healthy cycle.  But always, always I fall.  Each time I fall harder.  I eat worse than the last time, I gain back even more weight, and I feel even more guilty.

Part of the reason I started this blog was to record what I am feeling, the thoughts I am having, what I am doing, and what I am eating with the hopes of being able to control this constant struggle.  My goal is to be able to change my life forever.  I want my norm to be eating clean and healthy on a daily basis without even thinking.  I want to lose 40 pounds and live a healthy lifestyle forever.  I want to eat whole foods that are minimally processed so that my body has fuel to work at its very best.  I want my day to consist of eating tons of fruits and veggies.  I want to be able to go out once in a while for ice cream or pizza.  I want to live this way so I can feel better and be an awesome role model for the most important person in my life – my daughter Hailey.

So, that’s some of my story, where I am, and what I am working toward.  Always a struggle for me, but I need to remember to take it one day at a time.  I also need to remember that every little step that I make toward my healthy goals counts.  And I need to quit being so damn hard on myself.

Feeling better

Ahhhh I am feeling good right now.  I have been sooo down in the dumps for the past few weeks.  I am struggling to pull myself out.

Today when I came home from work I found a clean house, lawn mowed, and supper in the oven.  My summer babysitter Abby rocks.  Totally bummed she is moving. : (

She helped Hailey and Liz (Liz is Abby’s sister who happens to be one of Hailey’s best friends) have a lemonade stand today.  The girls made about $25 bucks!!

Liz and Hailey selling lemonade, brownies, and bookmarks!

After dinner (which Hailey and I actually sat at the kitchen table to eat instead of the TV which unfortunately has been the norm the past few weeks) I whipped up a batch of these awesome muffins.  They have become a staple in our house.  I follow this recipe but use muffin tins and also add chocolate chips!  They are healthy, so filling, Hailey LOVES them, and they freeze really well.

Banana chocolate chip muffins

Then I went outside and checked on my plants, flowers, and garden.  Thankfully they were all looking pretty good considering I have been neglecting them lately.

sweet peas

tomatoes!

garden – please excuse my weeds!

I took a few pictures and now am snuggling on the couch with Hailey while typing this up.

I am hoping this happier feeling continues tomorrow.   I am going to go into tomorrow with the attitude of happiess and try not to focus on how awful the last few weeks have been.  No sense dwelling in what was – focus on moving forward!